These are actual quotes.

• "So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
• "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
• "The handcuffs are tight because they are new. They'll stretch out after you where them for a while."
• "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
• "Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
• "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
• "Just how big were those two beers?"
• "In God we trust, all others are suspects."